Guitar Hero: Worship Leader Edition

I’m sure many of you have seen this concept before, either as a Facebook group or maybe even through email. Most of the ideas expressed in the following are taken directly from the “Worship Hero” Facebook group but, as a worship leader/musician, I thought it’d be appropriate to edit, organize, and repost it for all to see. The truth is both true and funny so take it with a grain of salt. I present to you...


Guitar Hero: Worship Leader Edition

Your Mission:
You are a musician with a call to lead God’s people into worship on a voluntary (or, God permitting, vocational) basis. The first level starts you off leading worship at a small church building your spiritual gifts and efforts up by making your way through many ministries and churches to the ultimate goal of becoming a worship leader at a prestigious mega-church.

Your Purpose:
To become a multi-million dollar worship leader (see "rock-star") while still giving all glory, honor, and praise to God through music.

Rules of (Spiritual) Engagement:

All worship sets must include a minimum of two hymns, one Chris Tomlin song, and one 80’s/90’s worship chorus. In addition, tempo transitions must start out fast, followed by medium-tempo songs, ending with slow tempo songs.

All songs must follow the following map: Verses, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus. Deviation from this order can result in excommunication and mass confusion of instrumentalists.

Some levels will require you to conduct certain stage designs which must incldue particular realistic touches to your environment such as tacky plastic foliage, inspirational banners, or plexi-glass pulpits.

You must maintain your team's dress-code during services. This code excludes skrits above the knee, open-toed shoes, hats of any kind, ripped/torn/faded jeans, and t-shirts. Any choice of "inappropriate" clothing will result in an uprising of old congregationalists and threatening elders.

Every so often you, as the leader, will take it upon yourself to demand an acoustic set which will face great and silent opposition from your keyboard players and drummers who are forced to play percussive instruments. No matter how boring this is, no one is allowed to or will ever complain because we all know that we do not come to church to be entertained. Inproper balance of this level is dangferous as you may experience higher than normal level on the FHLI (False Humility Level Indicator) and you may also lose some youth at the next service.

You, as the worship leader, must conduct the entire congregation. You will not keep tempo however. You must force the band to follow your seizure-like speed changes.

Games Modes:

Practice Mode: as worship leader, you must direct, practice, and rehearse your worship band on a weekly basis. This mode will always be fantastic and include many elements foreign to Sunday mornings (ie: drum fills, shots, accapellas, interludes, worship, and the Holy Spirit) and every song's tempo will be increased by 30bpm with fluctuations in anxiety levels

Service Mode: You must develop a repertoire of worship songs. Instrumentalists are permitted to experiment with solos, but take caution: any excessive soloing will cause an uproar amongst some of the elder. Your transposition and arranging skills must be honed to make sure that every song has no more than four chords (the fewer, the better) and must not deviate from the keys of G, E, or D as they are the easiest for guitar players to play.

Your Band & Instrumentalists:
you must recruit a band on a weekly basis composed entirely of Churched individuals who think they are skilled in their instrument.

Your worship team must have a minimum of:
-at least three guitar players (bass, acoustic, electric)
-at least four singers
-at least one keyboard player
-two percussionists: one must be a drummer while the other must consist of a musician who cannot play any instrument or sing but still wants to be on the worship team; you provide them with a triangle, bongos, djembe, or tambourine.

Guitar players:

electric guitarists must play 94% of what the acoustic player is playing. Any derivation should be dealt with by turning the amp down

guitar amps must be run through a DI Box. Do not mic the amp. Heaven forbid you have good tone

guitar players must not have their amps turned up past 0.5 on the volume knob. Failure to do so will result in dissension from the sound techs and the elderly.

occasionally, one of your guitarists will require a capo. This will result in utter chaos as you will now have two sets of chord sheets which will inevitably be mixed up and none of your band members will know which key to actaully play in

any and all guitar solos must begin with the melody of the song's chorus. Derivation from this will be allowed (but not recommended) after 4 bars

Drummers:

drum kits must be fully engulfed by a plexi-glass wall. No one will know or ever understand the reasoning for this but failure to do so will result in dissension from sound techs and the elderly

drummers must resort to "Hot Rods" and/or plastic sticks because wood sticks make too much noise

even if volume of a song is only going from soft to mind-blowingly loud in half a measure, your drummer requires only one skill: and that is to build

Bass players:

bass players must go direct through a D.I. (direct input) and musn't use amplifiers larger than one 10" speaker. Failure to do so will result in dissension from sound techs and the elderly

you will lose points if your bass player is making any use whatsoever of the subwoofers provided by the church's sound system

bass players will always be the only member of the band with actual talent. To ensure that no one hears them, make sure he is turned down at all times except for simple, one-note intros

Keyboard/Piano/Organ:

every song (fast or slow) must have a keyboard pad as the background. The keyboardist must work hard to make it look like they are contributing. This is usually achieved by dramatic facial expressions, swaying, or yelling in between pre-choruses and choruses

the final slow song must be dominated by an angelic synth sound. This activates the Holy Spirit.

Vocalists:

75% of your vocalists must sing the melody. A maximum of two harmonies are allowed which must be at 50% the volume of the melody

any vocal harmony must be dragged out longer than the melody to allow the congregation to hear them

POINT STRUCTURE:

points are awarded if you or any band member shouts “Jesus!”, “Yes, Lord!”, or other indistinguishable noises between choruses

points are awarded for getting your band-mates to properly execute map and tambre changes using any means necessary including leg-lifts, dirty looks, frantic arm waving, and/or yelling

be sure not to leave more than 4 seconds of awkward silence while transitioning songs, as the Holy Spirit Level Indicator (HSLI) will take a sudden drop. If the HSLI remains in the red for more than 15 seconds, your team will be asked to leave the stage, and you will be told gently that there are other teams who would like to use their gifts for God as well

bonus points are awarded if everyone in your band (including vocalists) shows up on time. However, double MINUS those points because the sound techs are MIA

points will also be lost when you request "just the voices" and your drummer or guitar player keeps playing

points will be lost when the vast majority of the congregation raises their hands and sings only during the chorus while staring blankly at you or the projection screen during the verses

points are lost if you say, "God is good" and no one replies "all the time"

at the end of a set (level), a middle-aged woman who knows your name but doesn't introduce herself will say, "You are SO anointed!" Your FHLI (False Humility Level Indicator) will blink indicating the false humility you're about to use to respond with. 5000 extra points and a free set of in-ears if you can figure out how to respond well